The Sexist Guide to Christmas Gifts

Are you a girl trying to figure out what a boy would like for Christmas…or a guy tasked with finding a gift for a girl?

Maybe you drew your cousin’s name in the family gift exchange, and are stumped. Maybe you have a friend you want to show appreciation to, but are totally befuddled about what they’d like.

Perhaps your nieces and nephews have grown out of toys…but you can’t figure out what they’d like.

Have no fear! Behold: the totally sexist guide to getting the right gift for everyone on your list! Sure, a lot of gifts blur the lines and will work for any person. But if you want to avoid those blank, polite stares and get something that will thrill the heart of the opposite sex, read on!

Guy Gifts

Food

Don’t laugh. True, it’s the first thing that came to mind. But it still works.

Beef jerky. Carmel popcorn. Spicy nuts. Gift card to the steakhouse. Even chocolate — men like chocolate, too.

Fill a man’s belly, and he’s happy.

Shirts

Everyone loves funny shirts. But you have to be careful to get one a man wouldn’t mind wearing.

What fandom is he into? Thor or Batman? Overwatch, Destiny, or Mario? You’ll notice superheroes and video games are the franchises I’ve mentioned. Men like to feel strong and protective. Affirm their patriarchy, and they’ll be grateful.

Guys often have senses of humor, too. Puns, jokes about zombies, non-political cracks (is there such a thing?) will probably score, also.

Do your research. No matter what they like, there will be a shirt celebrating it. Guaranteed.

Books

Do some subtle research beforehand, because some guys just don’t read. Like, at all. In those cases, I’d suggest a movie (maybe Captain America: First Avenger or anything by Pixar. Yes, boys like Pixar, too).

The Sexist Guide to Christmas Gifts — Kimia WoodBut what books would be great for guys? I’m glad you asked!

If they’re libertarian, macho, blood-and-guts types, try the Monster Hunter series (read my full review for content cautions).

If they’re into history, try anything by G.A. Henty (bonus: you can find the ebooks for FREE).

Maybe they’re mystery fans, and don’t think a book is complete unless someone was murdered. Try Dorothy Sayer’s Unnatural Death (or really any of hers, but this is one of my favorites); or The Bourne Identity (if they like spies and sex and secrets); or (ahem) my own Gladiator has a bunch of fight scenes, plus an amazing, laid-back hero (ahem) and you don’t have to read the rest of the series to dive right in (I know ’cause my feedback-reader had no trouble, and said it would be a great story for teen boys).

(Also, check out my post about my ten favorite mysteries in any format.)

Gal Gifts

Food

The Sexist Guide to Christmas Gifts — Kimia Wood

Image from Pixabay

Unless she’s a crazy serious dieter. But I mean, come on: it’s December. Who can diet in December?

Chocolate, cookie dough, cupcakes, gift cards to coffee shops, candy bars — girls can take a lot of variety.

But more importantly than for boys, girls value the presentation. It may just be a cupcake, but swirl the icing, slip it into a cute little treat bag covered with snowflakes, and BAM it’s adorable.

Don’t just give cookie dough or cocoa mix…wrap it in a festive towel or pack it in a decorated mason jar.

DIY is king. They will love ooing and ahhing your crafting skills almost as much as eating the treat you wrapped so carefully.

If you’re a guy, you’re probably rolling your eyes right now, but trust me. I know you‘d be happiest with the least amount of wrapper between you and the chocolate bar…but we’re talking about girls, here. And bows and cuteness are a big part of this for a girl.

Shirts

There are girls who would eat up a Batman vs. Superman wire-frame grudge t-shirt. Those girls won’t be happy with a jar of hot cocoa mix painted to look like a snowman (see above).

What t-shirt do you get all the other girls? Well…you could start with my personal favorite: the UnStealthiest Ninja series. It’s bright and colorful, cute and adorable, and depicts gruesome injuries.

But there are lots of wonderful, funny shirts for the fluffy-unicorns-and-kittens type of girl. All it takes is a little surfing.

Books

What books to get for a girl? Don’t just grab the first thing you see with a pink cover, either!

Lots of girls are into romance, but some of us aren’t (AKA have a gag reflex). How do you walk the balance beam and get her something she’ll actually enjoy?

For starters, I picked up Not By Sight hoping for a spy book, but got something quite different…and that was okay.

Again, Dorothy Sayers’ works blend mystery, witticisms, and philosophy seamlessly into a delightful story: try Clouds of Witness, for instance.

Do they like fantasy? Try the Chronicles of Amber. Short reads and quirky characters? Try A Sidekick’s Tale. Or maybe Vessels of Honor for a realistic, contemporary look at living as Christians, or Pride and Prejudice if she likes romance with more wit and snark than squishy fuzz.

Not to needlessly plug myself, but my romantic mystery Hayes and Hayes has been called “original”, and blends Christianity, sibling relationships, and murder into something that consistently makes my mom cry (not because she’s embarrassed of me, though!).

In short, there’s no end of lists from people eager to share their favorite books. Choosing one that’s not on a bestseller list might inspire more excitement if it hits the right spot — and the gift-ee will appreciate the work that went in to finding it.

Bottom Line

Boys and girls have a lot in common. That’s why our differences are so crucial. You might think that just any little thing off the shelf will work for anybody — but sometimes that’s just not true.

When you pay attention to the little details…you will be known as someone who takes things seriously. Who cares about getting things right.

Even Christmas presents.

(And, no, I don’t think anyone will call you sexist. If they do, laugh derisively and stalk away, flapping your cape menacingly. Trust me, it’s fun.)


The Sexist Guide to Christmas Gifts — Kimia WoodKimia Wood currently lives with her family somewhere in the American midwest, bracing for the collapse of society by knitting, baking, writing, hobby-farming, and reading as much Twitter as possible before the web goes dark.

Subscribe to the mailing list for a FREE e-copy of her post-apocalyptic adventure novella Soldier, plus periodic updates on her latest reading and writing exploits.

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