5 Ways to Fix a Little Brother Who Grew
WITHOUT PERMISSION
The brother. At first he was a manageable size – perhaps bread-box sized. Next he started moving around, and was more dog-sized, but that was all right, since you’d grown, too. Eventually, he was allowed out of the high chair, because he was too big for that, but you didn’t need to investigate your options prematurely…
Then. Then you got up one morning and there he was: an enormous creature, towering over you. How? Why? And how was it you weren’t consulted?
Take heart – I’ve walked this path, too. I feel the trauma, and I have 5 solutions to offer the desperately out-grown:
- Bricks on his head.
Ideally, this should be done before the growth takes place, but if you are at a stage when slowing him down won’t help, the best you can hope for is that they’ll 1) telescope his spine, or 2) give him a bad stoop, bringing him back to eye-level.
2. Platform shoes.
The poor girl’s solution, and not really feasible if you are a short older brother.
3. Instill in him a proper respect for authority.
Again, this is ideally begun at an earlier stage, but there’s no harm done in attacking the root of the issue. Young men who respect their elders and betters will naturally refrain from dominating the head-space.
4. Only appear next to him in forced perspective.
This might seem like a band-aid solution, but if it protects your pride, that’s a vital organ to protect.
5. LAST RESORT SOLUTION: Bludgeon him into submission and make him crawl on his hands and knees.
This should only be undertaken under the most drastic of circumstances. Tip: if bludgeoning is not an option for moral, physical, or financial reasons, hiding his game controller or unplugging his computer might yield similar results.
(If you succeed in subjugating him, congratulate yourself! You may have lost the height battle, but you’ve gained a minion, and the usefulness of those as cannon fodder and hero-distractions cannot be minimized.)
Kimia Wood has been writing stories since she was little. Now she writes to give the people living in her head a chance at life, and to make beautiful things with words.
Her wonderful little brother turns 19 on February 8th. 😊
On a sand-swept wasteland, Horatio Nullbuilt, version 5, and his floating companion Crispin Horatiobuilt, v. 1, live in their broken rocket-ship of a home – until the day a big robot with laser-shooting claws steals their power core, leaving them with days or weeks to find a replacement before they and their home are left helpless and drained.
